No2/ “Life after Lockdown & the Start of Something New”

Since I left the comfort and safety of university, I’ve only ever had one job. I wrote for a mass-market weekly women’s magazine, and I loved it. I loved it through everything – the deadline stress, the constant fear my job would be lost (self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone?) and the financial stress that comes with being a journalist. 

I remained chained to my desk as I watched my friends leave for London, make enough money for a house deposit, embark on six-month worldwide odysseys. It didn’t matter though, because I had my job. My job was cool. My job was interesting. My job was glamorous (well, people thought the job was glamorous, which is the same thing. I can assure you it was not!). Therefore, I was cool. I was interesting. I was glamorous.

When I lost it, I was, of course, heartbroken. But as I got through my second bottle of wine with the tears still running down my face that night, I realised why I was SO upset. I’d lost what I thought was the coolest part of myself. I wasn’t cool, or interesting, or glamorous anymore.

I don’t own a house. I don’t have a partner. My job was my ‘thing’ – the thing that made me fun and fabulous, the thing that gave me my conversation starters, the thing that people liked me for. And that hurt, deeply. 

I hadn’t realised how much of my identity was wrapped up in my professional persona. And now, I had to figure out who I was without being a magazine editor. 

And it’s been wonderful. 

For the first time, I no longer have to represent a brand. I don’t have to write for a reader, I can write for me. There’s no longer anyone to report to. There’s no longer anyone to live in fear of, or to disappoint. 

Myself and three other magazine refugees launched Capsule - a website that’s written by and for Kiwi women. For the first time, we’re working for ourselves. We have carte blanche to make a go of it, and we intend to give it everything we have. We’re at capsulenz.com

I’m free, and liberated, and confident, and happy. As Emma Clifton put so eloquently, it’s the perfect time to try something new, the Covid-induced carte blanche allowing anyone to take a chance, make a change, live a different life. 

So, out of this lockdown I’m taking with me a new me. One who is confident, cool and interesting, with or without an amazing job. I make no promises about the glamour, though. I’m not even sure if any of my pants fit anymore.